Dear Snak Club,

Normally I wouldn’t take up your time with a letter, but ground conditions at JFK Airport have left me with some time on my hands.

I purchased your “Raw Trail Mix” from an establishment inside the airport called Hudson News from a girl named Gennie. I assumed her nametag was a misspelling, and I offered to take it up with her manager, but she seemed confused and distracted (probably about the Olympics.) it left me feeling lacking in the customer service dept., but that’s really none of your concern.

Now, back to the trail mix. I have to say, I’ve never sampled your brand before, and I’m not sure it would’ve stood out to me in the crowded trail mix aisles at my local grocer (it’s hard to tempt me away from my usual, The World According to GORP).

But the selection at Hudson News was downright Communist. If you’ve worked out some sort of exclusivity arrangement with them, well kudos to you, sirs! The only other dinner option was a bucket of Duty-Free M&Ms or a package of Chuckles™.

Despite your domination of the Airport bagged snacks theater, your product makes some substantial claims on its package, and it’s those very claims that have caused me to write you gentlemen in the hopes of some clarification and reparation.

First of all, you claim that the product is “Finest Quality” and yet your ingredient list (somewhat sheepishly) admits that although the trail mix is packaged in the good ol’ U.S. of America, the ingredients come from a wide vareity of sources, including but not limited to:

Now, Olympics notwithstanding, these aren’t the countries that jump to the top of my “finest quality” exports, especially in the nut and dried fruits dept.

More disturbingly, the embarassed admission on your package won’t disclose WHICH ingredients came from WHICH sources, and in what ratios. How can I judge the quality of a raw cashew, sirs, if I do not know which country it hails from, or if it’s brethren in bag are brethren in field? Point to ponder.

The disturbing news doesn stop there. Right below the UN declaration is a small disclaimer that warns my trail mix may have “shell and pit fragments”!!! Finest Quality, indeed. How am I supposed to relax with some t-mix if I’m constantly having to chew precariously?

The next claim on your expertly marketed package (a team of sharks in a Manhattan Ad Office dreamed this list of exaggerations, I can just see it…) is that it’s the “Best Value”.

Now, I paid $3.99 of my hard earned American Dollars for 9oz of your so-called Trail Mix, double the price for the same amount down at Nature’s Bounty. Best Value? Hardly. Maybe for those swaggering Europeans pouring off of their Aer Lingus planes into a country suffering from a weakened currency. But to us Americans, sir, this represents a Mediocre Value at best. (Not that those Madison Ave fat cats would ever put THAT on a package- I dare them!).

As an aside, how can one product be both of the Finest Quality AND Best Value? I’m no Alan Greenspans, but the very terms seem to be at economic odds with one another. How can a company offer something of the finest quality at any less than a premium? aqnd how can that same company, looking to offer its customers a fair value, use only the finest of ingredients. More hubris from your nonstop ad machine.

Finally, sirs, your packaging-based boasts culminate with “A treat in itself!” How is one supposed to take this statement?! How is Trail Mix ever NOT a treat in itself? Do you usually have to dip each piece in strawberry frosting to enjoy it? Does one normally have to choke down unfettered nuts and dried fruits through clenched teeth, screaming to the heavens: “If only this was a treat in itself!!” I think not.

Now my plane is boarding, and I must cut this letter short, as I’m concerned the Europeans will use up all the luggage space with their Duty Free gluttony and I’ll have nowhere to put my small, reasonably sized cat carrier.

Please take my critiques in the spirit in which it was offered, and please do let me know if and when you make the appropriate changes to your packaging. I suggest: “Snak Club Raw Trail Mix: If you’re stuck at an airport, it’s a nominally better choice for dinner than Chuckles™.”

See? And I didn’t even go to Ad College.

Yours Truly,
Ryan McManus
Trail Mix Lover, Patriot.

P.S. I see you’re located in El Segundo. Did you find my wallet? Because there’s a song called “I Left My Wallet in El Segundo!“